


incompatible

by NekoRuka



Category: the GazettE (Band)
Genre: Heartbreak, Jealousy, M/M, Pining, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2020-07-30 05:55:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20092360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NekoRuka/pseuds/NekoRuka
Summary: "Why Ruki? What does he have that I don't?"





	incompatible

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this 2-3 months ago and have been struggling with the last paragraph for about half that time :')

Sometimes Aoi wishes he was dumb. Or unobservant. Or so self-centered that he doesn't pay much attention to the people around him.

But he's not any of these things.

He still wishes he was, though. Because then he wouldn't notice the winks and stolen glances. He wouldn't have seen that one mark on Ruki's neck that couldn't be anything other than a hickey. He wouldn't have realized that a certain shirt Uruha was wearing one day looked so familiar but slightly different than he remembered because it belonged to Ruki.

He also wishes he was heartless but he's always been so emotional, such a hopeless romantic.

It's not that none of them have fucked around at all - they're men with needs and urges. Aoi himself has fucked other people of course; but it was always someone away from their world, maybe a pretty girl he saw at a bar. But never someone close to them, and definitely not another member of their band. And the fact that Uruha chose to do just that made it hurt even more than if he had settled with a stranger; because Aoi is right there just like Ruki is, so what does the vocalist have over him? Why has Uruha chosen him?

~~~

Maybe he is dumb after all.

He's dumb because he thought that maybe one day Uruha would return his feelings, would look at him with as much admiration and love and awe as Aoi himself looks at the lead guitarist. He thought that maybe one day Uruha would hold him and tell him that it had been him all along, always him, but he was scared of his own feelings and of how they might affect and potentially ruin everything.

Another reason why he's dumb is because after drinking heavily he went to Uruha's house. And now words are tumbling from his lips, words he has kept buried for so long, words he can't take back.

"Why him? Why not me?"

"Aoi, what--"

"I've always loved you but you never cared. You played with me, you were cold with me, you barely paid attention to me. You kissed me, giving me hope, and then you pushed me away, putting this distance between us; and now we're okay again as if nothing ever happened. Why Ruki? What does he have that I don't? What--"

"Aoi, stop," Uruha cuts him off with his soft voice and his hands on his shoulders, gentle but firm.

And Aoi does stop. He wants to keep going, he wants to rant, he wants to explode; but there's nothing he wouldn't do for Uruha. And he hates himself for that so much.

"I've always cared about you," Uruha says softly. "But...you love too much, too fiercely. I could never give you what you want, I could never love you the way you love. We'd end up miserable, maybe hating each other."

"You don't know that," Aoi says weakly.

The lead guitarist lets out a sigh and he sounds so burdened, so troubled. "I do. I could never make you happy, I could never be the one for you. Ruki...he's insecure like you but he gets me. It's hard for him to express his feelings with words too, we give each other space, we're more...chill, you know? You and me - we're incompatible. You'd think I don't love you enough, I'd feel suffocated; it would never work."

Aoi is shaking as if he's freezing to death when in reality it's just his heart shattering like glass. He doesn't know if the other man being cold to him would have been better than this, than explaining why their relationship would end up being a disaster. He supposes he should be touched that Uruha has clearly thought this through, thought about them, has probably changed his behavior towards him again and again over the years because of Aoi's stupid feelings. And yet, he just feels empty.

Uruha's next words make the other realize that he's been staring into space for quite a while now. "Aoi? Say something, please. Fucking punch me if you want. Just - something."

The raven looks at the man he's looked up to and loved for so long. He gets what the other is saying and he wishes he could. He wishes he could hate him, he wishes he could yell at him and call him names and punch him. But there's only love in his heart for the lead guitarist, love and hurt.

"Can I have a kiss?" he breathes.

One of Uruha's hands leaves his shoulder and strokes his cheekbone with so much tenderness, as though the raven-haired man is made of porcelain and will break at any second. That's when Aoi realizes that a tear has escaped his eye and Uruha is wiping it away.

"Do you think that's a good idea?" Uruha asks. He's not judging or disapproving, he simply wants to make sure this is the best thing for Aoi right now.

"It will give me closure, I think." Then, to lighten up the mood, he adds, "I won't molest you, don't worry."

Uruha chuckles and strokes his cheek before leaning in. Aoi has wished for so long to have this beautiful face so close to his once again; but the thought that this will be their last kiss makes it so bittersweet.

And then Uruha's soft lips are on his and he almost whimpers inside the kiss (maybe he does a little). Their kiss is innocent, chaste, no tongue involved; and yet, Aoi feels like he's burning and he's desperately clutching on the taller man's shirt.

For a moment, when they break apart, Aoi isn't sure if he can breathe again. He looks at his hands, gripping the clothing material tightly; and then his hands are covered by Uruha's hands, partly to comfort him, partly to tell him he should stop clinging to him.

"Please don't hate me," Uruha whispers in the silence. "Or Ruki. I'm sure one day you'll find someone worthy of you, someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved."

It just won't be you, the raven thinks bitterly but says nothing. He only gives a small nod and slowly removes his hands from Uruha's shirt, feeling those calloused hands slipping from his. He could never hate him even though a part of him wishes he could. He could never hate Ruki either, someone he's loved for so long like his little brother - he's jealous of him of course but never resentful.

"I should go," he says softly and doesn't dare look up at the other. What will he see in those amber eyes? Pity? Relief that this is finally over and he will be left in peace? Sadness for hurting the rhythm guitarist? Aoi wouldn't bear seeing any of that.

And so he turns his back to the younger man and walks away, his heart both light and heavy, with a silent vow to himself that this will not break him or them.


End file.
